|“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.” – Og Mandino|
I like to think I learn things, both through the experience, and then processing and writing about it later. This has been my tried and true method for years, so much so that when I decided to stop writing here, I felt like a vital part of me was just gone. Evaporated. Journaling just isn’t the same. There’s some kind of validation I get from confessing my flaws and my powers to the great information void, even in relative obscurity and anonymity. I need it, and I always come back here. It’s part of my being now. I don’t know if it will always be in this format, but for me, writing and music and wisdom come to me together in a unified trifecta.
It was brought to my attention recently that I write about the same themes over and over. That maybe whatever I’m doing isn’t working. Is it really progress if I have to keep revisiting, rehashing, rediscovering the same lessons I should have learned already?
The thing about me is that I’m the tortoise. I’m the mountain climber and the mountains are endless. I climb and I fall off the side. I start over. Again. And again. And again. It takes years of practice to really make progress as an adult. As a human. I don’t just pay lip service to ideas, I wake up every day and try to figure them out and then I come here and tell you so that maybe you can think about your own life in a new way. Maybe you can forgive yourself or love yourself or choose something different this time. Maybe you take a chance and do something bold. Maybe you are inspired or moved or maybe you find some new music you like. Even if it’s just one of you. Even if it’s only just me.
However slow, however many times I fall into a dark valley, however much it hurts this time, I keep getting up. Fall down five times, stand up six.
I mean, that’s really the theme of this entire seven year project so far. Just keep going. Success or knowledge or growth doesn’t just happen instantly, easily. Becoming whole is a process that is inherently 90% failure. Everything I know about myself, the real, honest, true things, I learned from pain and suffering and massively fucking up something or someone, usually in spite of knowing I shouldn’t do it. I have stayed and fought for love when any sane person would have left months or years before. And I learned how grand my capacity is for caring about other people. I learned over and over and over that there is no one who will ever be enough to fill my infinity. I fill it myself. That is when I am my most majestic. The more times I can find compassion for myself instead of reaching for something “other” like booze or sex or people who are bad for me, the more I move closer to being my best, kindest, highest self.
I’m not perfect. I’m not even close. People still fuck my head up, I still trust when I should run, I still care too much too fast and get hurt, and that’s okay. That’s who I am. But when I think back to my life ten years ago, and how unhealthy and broken I was, and where I am now, there’s absolutely no question in my mind that I am living right. Everything is magical as soon as you decide it is.
Things I Am Fairly Certain About At This Point:
1. Someone is always going to be an asshole. Don’t let that be you. Be sweet.
2. If someone tells you something, but acts in a way that is contrary to that, believe the action, not the words. People show you who they are.
3. Listen to your intuition. You already know the answer.
4. Make doing what’s best for you when it’s the most painful, hardest thing ever the first option, not the last.
5. Don’t procrastinate your life.There is never a good time for pain, especially when you know it’s inevitable. Don’t drag your shit into next week or next year.
6. No matter how shitty you feel, you will feel amazing again. You will feel better than amazing. You will look back and think, what the actual fuck was I doing? Why did I wait so long? You will always heal stronger.
7. When you feel sad, treat yourself like a little kid. Eat grilled cheese and call yourself “Little Buddy” and sleep and walk and cry.
8. Stop hanging out with emotional vampires and toxic people who make you feel sad, unsafe, crazy, or make you cry. This world is full of people who are made of light. Find them. Those are your people.
9. Life will give you what you need when you need it. Sometimes that is a bullet in the heart.
10. You are capable of incredible emotional depth and connection. Never stop opening up and taking chances on loving people. It is always worth it, even if it hurts. Someday it won’t.
11. Stop fighting. Don’t be afraid.
12. It is impossible to regret exercise and not drinking.
13. Nothing is forever. Nothing.
14. Love your body. It is the only one you have and it is spectacular.
15. Always go outside.
16. You are beautiful and wonderful and amazing and lovable and smart and funny and cute and sweet and delightful and magical. You are everything all of the time.
17. It is going to be okay no matter what.
18. Gratitude is the highest form of thought.
19. There is always someone else.
Happy solstice. x