Be Yourself

catalyst

I don’t know if this is actually a picture of two supermassive black holes colliding, but it looks like some serious space shit is going down, so I’m going with it.

A couple days ago I read this article about how two supermassive black holes are set to collide with a force that could, according to some expert level smart Colombian astronomers with training in actual physics, “disturb the fabric of space-time.”

Holy shit. 
Firstly, how completely amazing is it that we can observe two black holes that are billions of light years away from Earth with some kind of accuracy that allows us to predict this will happen? That blows my peon human mind! Secondly, um, that doesn’t seem good really. Is that close? Should we like, move out of the way? Is Matthew McConaughey going to be involved somehow? Because please no. Oh right, also, we have about 100,000 years before it happens. But they are still super excited because they did some epic science. Those scientists are having a really good week.

Right, so big deal, some space nerds are all jazzed up about a thing that’s not going to happen remotely soon, and yet, they know it’s coming. The signs are all there. The black holes in the constellation Virgo are beginning to do that twisty space dance and spin around each other, only one light week apart. Which a basically eleventy million billion years. So. fucking. cool. 
I’m like a supermassive black hole on a collision course with destiny with only a million years to go. Today was my one year anniversary at my current job and I was bummed out all day about it. I’m not doing what I know I should be doing career wise, and I haven’t been for a long time. Ever. I’m trying to learn as much as I can and be positive about where I’m going, but I want it to happen faster. Today brought up a lot of memories about where I was this time last year and the year before. I’ve been in recovery mode, trying to find my way back to the path,  and in the process realized I need a new path, and found that instead. Nine months ago, I was completely destroyed. Six months ago, I was coming back to life, but spinning out of control, and I had no idea where I would land, or if I would make it. Since then, I’ve been learning how to balance and what kinds of things I need to do to nurture my best self. I traveled, I friended, I returned to rituals that have always served me, and I begrudgingly, then gracefully, let go of the things that don’t.  I’m still letting go. 
Sometimes we forget how to dance and instead of remembering what we knew before, we have to learn new steps. Sometimes it takes longer than we want it to, and it hurts more than we can bear. It’s hard to admit when we’re wrong about a job or a person or something we were excited about that we thought would make all the difference. It’s tough to watch those mistakes and failures and trips and falls pile up over time. Some days, it feels like nothing is moving forward and everything is at a standstill. Some days, it feels like it’s too late, that all your chances and opportunities are gone, and that things will always be how they are. Some days it feels like those dead stars are never going to collide and make a new universe that will rip open the fabric of space-time.
But they will eventually. 
Time changes our place in the world, and our perception of ourselves and how we want to behave and breathe in it. It’s the only thing that you can count on. Nothing is ever permanent, everything is in flux, and we are always changing and growing. We always have another chance to turn it all around. 
Patience. A thing life makes me learn over and over and over. Be the magical tortoise and you will win. I know, I know. 
You know that experiment in the 60s where they gave little kids a treat and told them that if they ate it right away, they would only get the one, but if they held out just for a while, they’d get two or more. The Marshmallow Test. Well, the kids who waited almost always have better life outcomes across the board. They are healthier, thinner, less prone to depression and addiction, they are even smarter. I definitely wouldn’t have eaten a marshmallow, because marshmallows are disgusting fluffy balls of chemical goo, and I hate them. But if a grown adult person put a cookie in front of me when I was 3, I really don’t know how I would have held out for two cookies. I mean, it’s right there, guy. Don’t tell me eating this delicious cookie means I’m going to be an idiot. You’re an asshole for depriving an adorable child of a sugary cookie. Shut up.
I’ve never been known for my delicate and moderate impulses. When we were kids and had done something dumb, my dad would say “If she asked you to jump off a cliff with her would you do that too?” And I would really have to think about the answer, because, fuck yeah, let’s jump off a cliff! I like adventure. I want to go fast and fly high. I always have. I want life big and bold and full of all the feels you can stand, and then some more on top of that. And I want them now. Right now. Everything all of the time.  
Am I Veruca Salt?!?! FUCK THAT NOISE

Absolutely no one wants to be Veruca Salt. She’s bossy and mean and fixated on the worst thing in the whole Chocolate Factory. Who cares about those eggs, you moron! Be nice to your sweaty dad for once, brat. Pay attention, Veruca, you are missing everything. No, no, everyone wants to be Charlie. Sweet, patient, deserving Charlie with his adorable, innocent heart. Well, I’m not Charlie either. The truth is, I’m the kid who was trying to get people to jump off the cliff. I’m the bad influence, the girl who pushes boundaries, who wants to live inside the chocolate factory with a bunch of orange Oompa Loompas.

I’m Willy Wonka. Obviously.
Sorry my boat ride scarred you for life, kids. For the rowers keep on rowing!

This went off into a totally weird tangent, but not really, because Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is an excellent metaphor for trusting the process. I just started an intense coding boot camp that is taking up all my time and brain power. It’s my catalyst for change that I have needed for such a long time. It’s hard. And I absolutely love it. It’s easy to berate yourself when you finally do find something that clicks. Why didn’t I do this earlier? I’ve wasted so much time. 
No.
Time is never wasted. You are always exactly where you need to be. Things take a long time because they are supposed to, because we need them to in order to learn how to move forward. You stay where you are until you have what you need, then you can go to the next thing or person or place or job or adventure. We have to trust the process, and keep an eye out for the catalysts that propel us forward, even if it’s only baby steps at a time. Nothing catches fire without the spark. We are not too old or too busy or too anything to do something new. Never, ever stop being excited about learning and growing, in whatever shape or form that takes for you. Everyone we meet has something to teach us, even if that’s only that we are too goddamn special to be sad over the past. Take care of yourself and everything will happen. Don’t wait until you’re ready or have more time. Do it now. Jump off the cliff and figure out you can fly. Supermassive black hole collision in 3….2……1.
Love,
s
PS – I’ve been writing a lot of code and spending hours reading about semantics and CSS, so this is music for that. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *